The Trap of Self-Image

Which version of yourself will make you the most happy? What things must be present in your life for you to live it to the fullest?

It is easy to appreciate why a person may concern themselves with such questions. After all, we have version of ourselves that we don’t like, right?

We don’t like ourselves — we don’t enjoy life — when we’re mulling over the past with a regretful mind. We don’t like the versions of ourselves that spend too much time worrying about the future and what could go wrong. We don’t like the versions of ourselves that snap impulsively at our loved ones or make poor decisions in general.

If there are versions of ourselves that we don’t like, there must be versions of ourselves that we do. Perhaps we like ourselves when we can just enjoy the moment. We like life when we’re sat around the dinner table, laughing with friends and family. We like ourselves when we see the fruits of our labour pay off; we like it when a fitness, personal, or professional goal is realised.

Thus, have we discovered the cheat code to life? Should we just spend more time thinking about the versions of ourselves we like the most, and then try to be more like them?

Of course, the proposal is asinine. A farce. How would one even go about executing such a task?

Will you try to recall how you thought and behaved when you were happiest in your life, and then try to recreate those patterns of thought and behaviour? Do you really think you can turn life into some sort of strict game where the output of every input can be precisely calculated.

In mathematics, a function can be simply defined as something which relates a set of inputs to a set of outputs. If the relationship between the inputs and outputs is that the output is always twice the input, then 1 would become 2, 2 would become 4, 4 would become and 8, and so on….

Such a function would be described as a one-to-one function: Every input relates to one output.

One-to-one functions are nice because you always know what’s going to happen. For every input, you can know with 100% certainty what the output will be. You can also take a look at any output, and find out which exact input gave rise to it.

Wouldn’t life be easy if it were a one-to-one function?

Of course, we know it isn’t. We know the exact same sequence of events on two different days of the week can incite wholly different emotions within us.

Just consider the stereotypical existential crisis. Often, a person living the most seemingly normal life, where few things change on a daily basis, suddenly finds themselves lost in a chasm of wild emotions. They begin rethinking and questioning everything. The state of their relationships, their physical appearance, their career trajectory, the state of their future.

Why? What suddenly happened? This is the very beauty of the crisis: Objectively, nothing drastic changed. Yet, one day, all of a sudden, the inputs started producing very different outputs.

Life

Is chaos.

That being said, there are certain things that steadfastly produce certain results. Perhaps cold showers consistently give you a positive buzz. Perhaps eating certain foods, exercising, and generally looking after your health produce consistently positive feelings.

But is there not a world of emotions you experience where health is not the only influencing variable?

The pain of rejection. The joy of celebration.

The loneliness of isolation. The comfort of company.

Us human beings tend to say certain things, but live and practice entirely different things.

Life is chaotic. It is not a one-to-one function.

So why do we live as if it is? Why do we live chasing images?

What is a self-image if not a gamble we play with ourselves?

We tell ourselves,

Achieving this feat,

Impressing that person,

Making this amount of money,

And whatever other so-called goals we have,

Will bring us something.

Maybe it will be happiness. Maybe it will be peace. Maybe it will be the very thing that has been missing so sorely from your life.

But seems we have forgotten something critical. How many times has life forced you to think to yourself:

“This did not turn out as I expected.”

Even when you get the thing you want, is it ever enough? Is it what you expected?

To chase a self-image,

Whether it be for the purpose of happiness, peace, contentment, pleasure, or whatever,

Is it to try to grab a shadow.

No medal,

No person,

No amount of material possession,

Will ever give you the thing you really want.

Life cannot be contained in a mathematical function.

No matter how hard you try,

No matter what inputs you give,

You will never get what you really want.

To chase an image,

Is to misunderstand the entire game.

But what do human beings do if not spend their entire lives chasing images?

Who has ever successfully managed to grab a shadow?