The Real Reason Things Offend You

To operate in the modern world, without offending people, is to tip-toe through a minefield. Bomb to your left. Bomb to your right. Bombs all around. Where will you step?

Has society become hypersensitive?

Let me begin by saying things are not offensive because they’re ‘bad.’ There is no ‘good’ and ‘bad.’ There is only cause and effect.

Questioning whether “society” has become hypersensitive is also a pointless question. It won’t tell you about yourself.

So, let me ask you a genuine question. A question that will reveal a truth about your life.

Why do certain things offend you? Why, for example, would it hurt if a loved one called you selfish? Or a stranger hurled a racial slur?

There are two reasons, and both spring from the same source.

Ego.

The first reason is that you, deep down, believe the offending remark has some validity.

Ridiculous, right? Surely this can’t be true.

I’m not here to persuade you of anything. But let me ask you: If I called you a wooden door, would you take any offence? Would you feel anything?

No.

Because there is no iota of doubt within you that my accusation is true. You are totally certain you are not a wooden door; thus my statement will not make you feel anything. (If anything, you may just be perplexed as to why I said this.)

The sting of an insult can only exist if there is doubt within you. And you don’t like being reminded of that doubt. You had brushed it under the carpet; why did someone have to awaken it?

But awoke it has. And, thus, you feel offended. How dare someone shine light on the fragility of your self-image like this!

The second reason things offend you also concerns the fragility of your manufactured identity. Though, in a more nuanced way.

In these situations, you may, with absolute certainty, know the words of another are entirely false.

Suppose someone tells you all the people from your country smell. There is no doubt within you this statement is false.

But still, the pain of offence kicks your stomach. Why?

Because, whilst the beast of inner doubt has not been aroused, another has.

Pride.

You are offended because it troubles you that someone has the gall to poke this statement in your face. The gall to even attempt to offend you. Though you know their words to be false, the idea that someone has the audacity to launch this spear of falsehood at you is enraging.

Enraging because you know it is undeserved. But undeserved to whom?

The ego you have created and live with.

But is it always ego? What about the turmoil that arises when you see someone else being insulted?

You overhear someone mocking the appearance of an innocent passerby. Or maybe someone’s shouting at another, saying: “Go back to your country!”

Do you not feel something? Perhaps you recognise the unjust behaviour, perhaps you even confront the offender about it.

This just makes you a stand-up citizen, right?

No. It’s all still ego.

The arrow of offence was fired at another. So, why did it affect you? Why were you still hit?

Because although the arrow wasn’t fired at you, you were reminded of the arrow’s existence. Reminded of the fact this arrow may very well hit you next time. In fact, this arrow may have very well hit — even scarred — you in the past.

You don’t like being reminded about these arrows. You don’t like being reminded of the fact they may hit your ego next.

Ego. Ego. Ego.

If one is devoid of any ego, one can never be offended. If one does not walk around with some manufactured self-identity, the idea of offence ceases to exist.

Because… who is there to offend?

No one.