How ‘Love’ and ‘Romance’ Are Destroying You

Much human sorrow is bred from the longing for another.

The human fails to understand this longing will not give them what they really want.

Your eyes meet with theirs and you feel something special. Something you imagine only a unique creature like a human could feel.

The glow of their face warms you like a campfire in the bitter frost of the woods.

How magical. You feel a sense of comfort — a sense of safety — just being near them. Without any words or actions, they manage to make you feel like it’s all going to be alright. They are the reassurance that says it was all worth it in the end. The things you went through; the things you missed. The pain from this; the pain from that.

You can fall into them, and they will cushion you. You can lean against them, and like a brick wall, they keep you upright.

You don’t even need to have known them for a long time. Perhaps you’ve only interacted a handful of times, but a handful was enough for you to feel as though you know them like the back of your hand.

You’re hooked. You want them. You need them.

If someone asked you to draw a picture to symbolise desperation, what would you draw? In cinematography, the outstretched hand is often used to capture this idea. Picture the person hanging off a cliff with one hand reaching out to grab another’s. Or imagine someone drowning: Kicking and flailing, the last part of their body you’ll see will be their fingers poking through the waves that are about to swallow them.

But I don’t think you need imagery that dramatic to symbolise desperation. Gaze at the classically love-struck individual and you will find a depiction of desperation that is difficult to rival.

I know my words might offend you. I know you might be resistant to them.

“How can love and a deep longing for someone be a bad thing — especially if there’s a real possibility they feel the same way?”

The love-struck individual argues their case passionately. This is what being human is all about; this will add great joy to my life.

Very well.

Do you know the mythology of mermaids? Ancient folklore says these sea creatures would reel in lonely sailors with their seductive voices. The unassuming travellers would haste toward their direction, only to be savagely attacked and drowned.

What you think you want and need isn’t always so.

What you call love isn’t really love. Rather, it is attachment. The moment you feel as though you need someone in order to feel a certain way, you have fallen into the pit of attachment. And when you finally plummet to the bottom of the pit, you will sit there tending to your wounds and broken bones.

You are left to weep in silence as the one who would comfort is no longer there. You could phone a friend, but you know whatever counsel they will provide will pale in comparison to what they used to give you.

How did this happen? Why is my heartbroken?

As sure as the apple falls from the tree due to the law of gravity, the law of attachment was summoned to life the moment you fell in what you called ‘love’; but, in actual fact, was attachment.

You wanted someone to dine with. You wanted someone to cuddle at night with. You wanted someone you could call “yours.”

But another human being can never be “yours.” No matter how special you think they are, and how special they think you are, you both have done anything nothing more than borrow from the bank of misery.

And misery always comes to collect its debt. Your deep infatuations and romantic fantasies may have been filled for a while, but that which lives must eventually die. All fruits eventually rot.

The problem with love and romance is simple: It is an attempt at using another human to discover that which you cannot find within yourself.

Perhaps you think your life is pretty good. You have a good job, are in good shape, and lead a healthy life. But there’s something lacking. Something your job, health, and general habits can’t provide you.

You long for the intimate company of another. You can’t quite understand why, but when you see certain people, a switch goes off in your mind.

“This who I want. This is who I need.”

Man needs food, water, and shelter to live. His physical body will not die by due to an inability to find love or a partner, but is the joy of life capped if he cannot succeed in this endeavour?

As ever, beliefs in pre-formed conclusions are a misstep. Do you want someone to just simply tell you all relationships approached through the lens of attachment are destined to fail? Do you want someone to conveniently define what “attachment” is? Do you want to be told you’ll never find what you’re looking for?

Even if someone did all those things, you’d be none the wiser.

Examine for yourself how your ideas about love and romance have impacted your life.

How have they served you?

How long will you tell yourself the next person will be different? How long will you swim to find the other fish in the sea?

Will you really find the thing you’re looking for in another human being?